Still overwhelmed

Not really sure what to do. Last week I became sucidical. This week aI am better but I just cannot keep up.

Not the greatest day

Ok, i never heard from D. I talked with my friend and my therapist... i think i am just wanting what I once had with D since my current relationship is not going well.

I do miss D, and hope one day to talk to her.

The Love of My LIfe

I was in a five year relationship and ended it about two years ago... why? Because I thought I was using her for money. I hated thinking that I could use someone. We were so far in debt and I felt like a loser. So i ended it. She was crushed. We tired being friends but it didn't work out. We have both moved on... or at least I thought I had moved on.

So it's been two years, and Saturday I wake up and I am terribly depressed. I had a dream about her. All day I was mopey and distraught... like the breakup was yesterday. I even wrote her an e-mail and a handwritten note (and I actually put it in the mail). I have been seeing someone else for over a year... and thought of D a few times, but never like this. I couldn't stop crying.

I finally e-mailed her another note....

" Ok, i was a bit loopy yesterday.. lots of medication (strep throat and
bronchitis) I wrote you a letter and put it in the mail... I really never
intended to send it... wrote it hoping to get whatever was in my head out of my
system.. and then yesterday i got this hair-brain idea that you would come
running back if you read it.... can you please just throw it a way when you
get it. I am sorry i bothered you. It is wrong of me to continue to mess with
you.

Hope you are doing well."

I feel so lost. I have a called a friend and we are having lunch tomorrow... I am hoping he can talk some sense into me. Also, seeing my therapist tomorrow too. There has to be a reason for this... just out of the blue I want my ex. I do believe she was the love of my life. I did end things with her because I thought i was no good for her. I didn't really like myself two years ago.

I spent very little today

Good thing it was a holiday... otherwise i would have spent more money. I only spent $8.18 at Lowe's and $45 at the Vet. I have $150 until next pay day (2/27/07). I think i can make it.

Money, it doesn't grow on trees

Just read a n article about people blogging to help reduce their debt. I too am in debt. Every time I think I am closer to being debt free or have a little extra cash... boom something expensive happens. I spent $2000 on my dog a few weeks ago... he got of my yard and was hit by a car. He was worth the money... but I had to take it out of my IRA account. It will hurt next year at tax time, but for now I can enjoy my dog curled up by my feet, and know that he is not in pain.

I should probably list my debt. I am not really sure what I am in debt with any more... I will list them and probably come back to list the amounts in a few days, as I gather my bills.

Student Loans: 13000

First Premier Master card: 400

MasterCard (moon card): 300

Old Navy credit card: 400

*Kern Fed Credit Card: 3000

*Home Depot Card: 3000

*Lane Bryant credit: 250

*Avenue card: 250

Car: $15000

*Student loan: 2000

Total: $37600 in Debt!

I did pay off two card from Capital one in the past 6 months. I consolidated most of my debt (the ones with stars) in Fall of 2005. I pay $341 per month. I haven't really kept up with the amounts to see where I am. Not smart!

I work in civil service... I am at the top of my classification and I have a BA and working on my masters... and I take home after taxes $991.50 every two weeks! I am depressed now. I don't mind having the student loan and car payment... it's the credit card debt.