The Love of My LIfe

I was in a five year relationship and ended it about two years ago... why? Because I thought I was using her for money. I hated thinking that I could use someone. We were so far in debt and I felt like a loser. So i ended it. She was crushed. We tired being friends but it didn't work out. We have both moved on... or at least I thought I had moved on.

So it's been two years, and Saturday I wake up and I am terribly depressed. I had a dream about her. All day I was mopey and distraught... like the breakup was yesterday. I even wrote her an e-mail and a handwritten note (and I actually put it in the mail). I have been seeing someone else for over a year... and thought of D a few times, but never like this. I couldn't stop crying.

I finally e-mailed her another note....

" Ok, i was a bit loopy yesterday.. lots of medication (strep throat and
bronchitis) I wrote you a letter and put it in the mail... I really never
intended to send it... wrote it hoping to get whatever was in my head out of my
system.. and then yesterday i got this hair-brain idea that you would come
running back if you read it.... can you please just throw it a way when you
get it. I am sorry i bothered you. It is wrong of me to continue to mess with
you.

Hope you are doing well."

I feel so lost. I have a called a friend and we are having lunch tomorrow... I am hoping he can talk some sense into me. Also, seeing my therapist tomorrow too. There has to be a reason for this... just out of the blue I want my ex. I do believe she was the love of my life. I did end things with her because I thought i was no good for her. I didn't really like myself two years ago.